I really want to kiss my girlfriend. I do not know if she wants to.
"I have been dating for 8 months. I really want to kiss my girlfriend. I don't know if she wants to. What do I do?"
The student who wrote this question is probably WAY past the 8-month mark with their girlfriend by now. Sorry that this isn’t more timely for you. I’d still like to respond, though, in case someone else can relate to this question. (And who knows? Maybe the person is still holding out for that first kiss!)
The fact that you’re even thinking through this tells me that you probably care about what your girlfriend wants – and that’s awesome! – so I want to commend you on that. Yay!
This might seem awkward at first, but… can you just ask her? Since you’ve dated 8 months without kissing, I’d bet that your relationship is more likely to have started with a strong foundation of friendship rather than trying to use sex or physical intimacy as the foundation (if you’ve got a good friendship, also super-awesome). If you’ve spent the last eight months getting to know each other, have you developed some comfort with one another? I hope you are comfortable enough to ask her…
“Would you mind if I kiss you? In this moment? Or, ever? Would you like us to kiss in this relationship? What do you want regarding physical intimacy in this relationship? Can we talk about where to set our boundaries?”
If you’re scratching your head like, “Actually, I don’t know her that well… I’m not that comfortable with her… We don’t really talk that much, we just spend all our time watching A Series of Unfortunate Events and texting each other pictures of cute puppies,” I’d strongly encourage you to make a concerted, deliberate effort to invest more in this relationship.
- Talk to each other – in person, if possible, or at least on the phone. Find out who she is… what she likes/dislikes… her favorite hobbies, sports teams, colors, music… her middle name… favorite shoes, favorite cereal… learn about her family… you get the picture.
- Spend “no-screen” time together (no TV, no computer, no phones or devices). Keep watching shows or YouTube together, if that’s what you enjoy, but of all the hours you spend together, make it your aim that the no-screen time outweighs the screen-time.
- Go out. Yes, on dates. The more quality time you can spend together talking and getting the know each other, the stronger your relationship will be.
If she says she’d be interested to kiss, but not right now, I’d encourage you to respect that: don’t pressure her, complain, or put her down. If you care about what she wants, you’ve got to be willing to respect what she wants, too.
It may be helpful to ask her in that same discussion at what point she might be ready to kiss you. Perhaps she wants to date you for certain length of time, or wait for a particular milestone in your relationship. If you ask her about it again down the road, she might think that you’re nagging, pressuring or rushing her – even if that’s not your intention. However, if you get an idea of “when” from her in that first conversation:
- You won’t need to bring it up again because you know what you’re waiting on. If you agree not to kiss until you’ve dated for one year, you won’t be wondering at 10 months if maybe she wants to kiss yet.
- When the time comes, you can bring it up again in a kind, gentle, respectful manner, starting by mentioning the milestone you had agreed upon. Such as: “Hey, I know we were waiting until the one-year mark to have our first kiss. I just realized, our first date was a year ago yesterday!” Honest communication, but also keeps you out of the nag-zone. (Don’t forget to tell her what a great year it’s been, having her in your life!!!)
One option is: if she would like to kiss you SOME day but not YET, you can tell her that your desire won’t change, but when she’s ready, she can tell you or make the first move. Then, make a commitment not to bring it up again or put pressure on her… no matter how long she takes.
What if she doesn’t want to kiss at all while you’re dating? I’d encourage you to stick to the same principles I gave above: respect the boundary she has committed to. Don’t complain, pressure her to give in, or put her down for this choice. Avoid too-tempting places and situations that make it difficult to maintain self-control. Don’t “cheat” and kiss her cheek, her face or her neck!
Remember that if your girlfriend doesn’t want to kiss you right now, it does NOT mean that you are repulsive, undesireable or unattractive. It may simply mean that she understands the power that kissing – and other forms of physical intimacy – can have on her emotions and arousal, as well as on yours… and she doesn’t take that lightly. That’s a good quality in a partner!
Now you might be thinking, “Wait a minute. You’re telling me to honor what SHE wants. What about what I want? Shouldn’t a relationship be two-ways? Shouldn’t she also honor what I want?”
I am so glad you asked! Stay tuned, and I’ll write more soon in the next post about what I call, “The rule of the higher boundary line!” (Actually, I just made that up… but I think it fits…)