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Would Sex After the First Date Be Love

What an interesting question. Let us first start with what love is. That might give us some clarity. Love, by its very nature, is selfless. Love cares deeply for the other person with regard to their life and well-being. In one of the most classic texts in history, Paul, in his letter to the church at Corinth, talks about the qualities of true love. Love is patient and kind…and it does not insist on making itself the ultimate focus. In our presentation, we discuss how love is concern for another. If you love someone, you would never want them to experience hitting the "rocks" caused by STD’s, unplanned pregnancies, or emotional baggage.

We also discuss in our presentation how sex does not equal intimacy, but that sex itself can be an extremely intimate act…maybe one of the most intimate acts. I think that there may be a misunderstanding at the core of your question. The fact that sex is present does not necessarily mean that there is love. Speaking from experience…I can attest to that fact. There was a time in my life where I was very hurt by someone I loved dearly. She had broken my heart, and I didn’t know how to cope. I stopped talking to my friends, stopped eating, slept for hours on end in the middle of the day…

Sex makes us feel like we are at the highest level of intimacy. So it is easy to think after engaging in sex, “Yes, I am in love, I have shared my everything with this person, and I feel loved.” In reality, what we may be feeling is the illusion of love, brought on by the intensity of emotion that courses through the body, drawing away pain, fear, and hurt. It is almost as if nothing else matters except the two bonding with one another. I could have waited and tested my girlfriend to let her prove her character and love for me through her actions. Instead, I robbed myself of knowing whether she really loved me because I settled for a quick momentary boost, like a drug. Instead of pursuing her by talking to her; getting to know her; letting her into my life; learning to trust her and showing that she could trust me; and allowing time to forge the proper relationship; I elected to take a quick fix.

Sex is designed to be a bonding experience. It is like concrete poured over steel. The steel itself, like a relationship forged on deep intimacy and time, is strong. Then the reinforcing concrete poured over it can make it even stronger. In this proper context, sex can strengthen a relationship. Yet outside of a healthy context, it can be emotionally painful, detrimental, and oppressive. Concrete is also heavy, and when used improperly, can hurt people.

Simply put: no, I do not think sex after a first date would be love. And, just because someone wants to have sex with you doesn't necessarily mean that they love you. Sex may be an intimate act, and it can give the illusion of true intimacy, but this is not itself love. As we discussed earlier, love is selfless, patient, kind, and it doesn’t insist on its own way. I know what it is like to be in fear of contracting an STD, and of having to deal with a pregnancy that I didn’t plan and wasn't I ready for. I have had to deal with the emotional baggage after having sex with someone in a relationship with no boundaries. I would never wish these experiences on anyone, especially not someone I love. If I truly love someone, I will put them first, ahead of my own desires.

The true test of love is: does that person have the self-control to wait, to deny their sexual desires, to put the relationship to the test? If sex is like concrete, and the relationship two steel beams, it makes no sense to pour the concrete over the beams until they have been welded together. Similarly, it makes no sense to add sex to the mix unless you have the stability which true love and emotional intimacy will bring.

Here's my recommendation, for all it's worth: wait for the right person, because when they have stood the test of time and intimacy, having sex with them will mean so much more. I’ve engaged in sex before knowing the strength of the relationship, and it is not a place I care to return to. Trust me - put yourself to the test and you may just find that waiting makes all the difference.

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